I used to think that saying no was mean and unkind. I thought I was being a “good” Christian by saying yes all the time and helping everyone that I could “for the Lord”. Little did I know that all my yes's were hurting me. Thankfully, a healing ministry that I served in had book reading requirements and "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend was one of those books. This book set me free from being the “yes” lady, and everyone's go to person. I learned that the most boundary-setting word I could use is “NO”. Our words let people know where we stand. Matthew 5:37 “Let your yes be yes and your no be no”. I have learned to be clear about my yes and my no.
What are boundaries? They are invisible property lines and responsibilities. They are a sort of imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s and that don’t just apply to your body, money, and belongings, but to your feelings, needs, and thoughts as well. Boundaries help us to protect our freedom. We can genuinely love God and others when we are free.
There are internal and external boundaries. It’s easy to understand external boundaries – think of rules and principles you live by and when you say what you will and will not do or allow. If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or smothering w/kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up. We all have our own thoughts and feelings and if we want others to know them, we must tell them. We can’t expect people to just know what they are.
Internal boundaries regulate your relationship with yourself, this can be thought of as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.
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There are many areas where boundaries apply:
There are boundaries in the physical world, i.e. fences, signs (no trespassing), walls, hedges, trees, etc.; material boundaries-- determine whether you will loan things like your money, car, clothes, books, etc.; physical boundaries- your personal space, privacy, and body (do you give hugs or handshakes, do you like loud music and locked doors); mental boundaries-your thoughts, values, and opinions; emotional boundaries-distinguish between separating your emotions and responsibility from someone else’s. Note: If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive you may have weak emotional boundaries; sexual boundaries-protect your comfort level w/ sexual touch and activity. What, where, when, and with whom; and spiritual boundaries -relates to your beliefs and experiences with God. Boundaries in the spiritual world are just as real but harder to see. They define your soul (mind, will, and emotions) and help you to guard and maintain it.
Our model is God, He limits His exposure to evil, unrepentant people, and so should we. The Bible tells us to separate ourselves (2 Corinthians 6:17-18 Come from among them and be separate) from people who act in destructive ways. We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love. Your boundaries are necessary for you and helpful for them. You too have a right to say “no”, a right to privacy, to be addressed with respect, to change your mind, or cancel commitments, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and to not answer a question, the phone or e-mail. Good relationships depend on maintaining effective personal boundaries. With proper boundaries in place your life has a level of freedom that people without boundaries aren’t able to experience. Living with God-given/ordained boundaries keep us safe and trusting with and of other people.
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